I'm so sorry that you've gone through all of this. You've certainly been to hell and back a few times (and I can relate to that, as you know!).

I have to say - I have been the "ghostee" and the "ghoster". It never feels good to be the one who is suddenly cut off, but there are lots of reasons that make a person do it. Certainly, the ones you mention are terrible - being cowardly and just doing it in order to move on and find another romantic interest, etc. rather than properly ending a relationship - there is no excuse for that. This isn't so much about "ghosting" as it is about just being a complete jerk.

Then there are the times you thought you were in the midst of a good friendship and suddenly the other person just shuts you down. I've been there.

At the end of the day, I figure that when people back away, they have their reasons. The closer the relationship, the more it hurts, but if there's a reason why they need to disappear, all I can do is respect it. It dosen't have to mean there's anything wrong with me. I don't have to take it personally. And I don't.

As for being the one who does the ghosting, I've done this in instances in which there were significant issues, and the other person was someone I KNEW would not be open to having a reasonable discussion about them. EG they were outrageously defensive and incapable of taking responsibility for even the littlest things, as I'd witnessed on numerous occasions. In some cases, they were abusive - emotionally or verbally - they were bullies and any time I tried to talk through an issue, they twisted everything to make it be my fault and would never acknowledge their part.

I reached a point with all of them that I knew there was nothing to be gained by trying to have a conversation so I just disappeared. I'd taken enough abuse and crap from them already.

So there can be lots of reasons why this is certainly NOT passive aggressive or abusive. It's not immature. It's self-preservation and the only appropriate way to rid ourselves of gaslighters, abusers, or people who are toxic in some way or who refuse to engage in a meaningful conversation about a problem. They are incapable of hearing that they've said or done something that was hurtful or whatever.

It's a messy topic, and definitely not as cut and dried as you've stated here. But I can certainly see why a planned betrayal and disconnect such as you've described was really painful. To me, that isn't what "ghosting" is about though, as I said. It's just about someone being too cowardly to speak up and say "I'm moving on." Especially awful when it's planned, as you suggest.

I'm so sorry for your pain and hope you're in much better shape now.