Oh. My. God. You cannot Brain, you have the Dumb. Where do you come up with this stuff?? Genius! So, so funny! Thank you for another hilarious read - and again, I understand that the unabletowritingness is not hilarious. But your description of it bloody IS.
Fear not! Fainting couch not required! I have the solution to thine block-edness!
Have you ever heard of free writing, or writing practice or heaven knows what else it's called but Julia Cameron (free writing) and Natalie Goldberg (writing practice) have been talking about it for years. It bloody WORKS.
I haven't read their books in about 12 years so I don't remember if they specifically mentioned this as a cure for the B-word, but in my humble experience, it works every time.
It requires a pen of some description, preferably one that flows in a lovely way (I use disposable fountain pens) and a notebook (preferably with paper that feels delicious) - but a Bic and a cheap notebook will do, too!
Then - pick a word or a topic. Even an "open a book, close your eyes and poke your finger onto a page to find one" sort of word - and then write. The word could be pajamas. Or ants. Or teeth. Or cousins. Or any other collection of letters that make up a recognisable word.
And you start writing. Set yourself a number of pages or a certain amount of time and then GO. Write like there's no tomorrow, and if you can't think of anything, DO NOT STOP. Write "I can't think of anything I can't think of anything I can't think of anything, dammit I still can't think of anything" or in your case "fuck I still can't think of anything" and DO. NOT. STOP. Your hand must keep moving at all times. Do not go back and scribble out mistakes, leave them and keep writing keep writing keep writing for your minimum amount of time or number of pages.
When I do this, I have come up with some of my most profound insights and writing. It gets you out of your head and into your heart, your soul. It becomes meditative, almost hypnotic. It allows you to access a deeper part of you than your Brain that has Dumb or the B-word.
Open up a pack of Block-Be-Gone - i.e. grab a notebook and pen, pick a word and DO NOT STOP WRITING.
This will get you going again in no time.
