Pene, I'm so sorry for your loss and your suffering, the longing for what could have been, and what never was. I can relate to that...If it's any consolation (and I hope this doesn't offend you), I've been a medium since I was a kid and can assure you that when you think he's there, he is. And many times when you're not thinking of him either. He can hear you when you speak of him or think of him, so please say what you need to say.

I know it's not the same as having him with you in this life, but hopefully it will help.