Thank you for sharing how you're feeling, Shanti. I'm sorry it's difficult for you right now.

If I can just offer a little idea that might (or might not!) be useful? Unless I misunderstood, it felt like you've got a lot of "I shoulds" playing on your mind. I've had so many battles with that so I felt for you as I read how you thought maybe you need more of this and more of that and less of this etc.

I've put so much pressure on myself in my life when trying to get to a point of doing better or feeling better, and I'd make these great lists of things I should be doing or intended to do - but I could never follow through for various reasons.

Well, I follow through on the ones I truly WANT, or the ones that leave me feeling good. So I've reached a point where I've stopped making those lists or worrying about what I thought I should do that might help, and I've got much better at being realistic about how I want to spend my time, and what would truly light me up or help or that I would enjoy.

You're depressed, my lovely. Putting expectations on yourself isn't going to help, nor is listening to the expectations of others (but I know how hard it can be to not listen to those). At the end of the day, right now self-care is the most important thing! And doing whatever it is that you would actually enjoy or find helpful will be the thing(s) that will get you out of this hole the quickest.

Take your list of things you think you should be doing and find just one thing (or a few, as you feel you can) and commit to doing it in a way that feels manageable. As you bring enjoyable things into your life, you will soon start feeling better. Just please be careful not to force yourself! Be gentle; you deserve kindness and special care 💜💜💜