There are never any easy answers with parenting, and it's definitely not a "one size fits all" situation. All you can really do is give them safe, small opportunities to make their own choices, and when there are consequences involved, explain them and let the child choose. They don't always end up liking the consequences, but that's how they learn.

From everything I've read from you, you're about as excellent as a mother can be. You don't have to be perfect and you won't always get it right, but you do your very best for your family - always. That's all anyone can ask or expect of you - including yourself!